Tonight

"I know something is broken,
And I'm trying to fix it,
trying to repair it,
anyway I can."

-Coldplay "X and Y"

It's a very melancholy song off an album of the same name. I really enjoy their music. For some reason, I was thinking of the words while walking around Publix tonight. I guess I just needed to take a break from the house for awhile.

I walked up and down the aisles. It was a beautiful grocery store. Think new building with very clean feel. A lady passes by me with her kids, and they start misbehaving. She decides to take everyone home, since this is a last ditch effort to complete a child's homework project, and it isn't the mom's fault. I thought to myself, "Thank God, I'm not in that situation right now."

Don't get me wrong. Someday, I would love to get married and raise a family of my own, but I don't think it's going to happen anytime soon. Perhaps that's the way it should be for now.

In my mind, the way I think it should go is the following; 1. Stable Career, 2. Transportation, and 3. Housing. The chance of me achieving, even just one of these objectives in order to ask someone on a date is not good right now. Did I have any of these things when I asked someone out last year? No. People just let me borrow things, or arrangements were made out of spontaneous generosity. That's great if you're single, but you can't live that way married.

This brings up the possibility that I am destined to be single. An older man in Perth, who I respected, suggested this. I think he's dead wrong, but that's just my opinion. Some things are not cut and dry. I don't go to God praying "Lord, what color should my clothes be that I wear today?" It's not that I think that God wouldn't mind hearing one of His children pray, but isn't it enough that I have clothes to wear? I should go to God praying, "God this is what I'd really like to wear. But, I'm willing to use the clothes You provide." Sorry, I guess that's kinda of a weird example, huh? Right now, I have one pair of good jeans, so this is actually a real prayer request.

I was talking with an older pastor at the nearby church, here in St. Cloud. He had two questions that everyone has to answer sometime in their life. "Who do I need to marry?" and "What do I do with my life?" He gave me a piece of wisdom that it's not a single choice, but the series of choices that determines our decisions. He said his wife knew that he was going to ask her to marry him, because of all the other experiences that had happened prior, so she could see it coming.

I help people. That's what I do. If I get married, I'll have to find a wife who likes to help people too. I thought I was so close to finding a good candidate for the wife position with my ex last year. I learned a lot though. My expectations are way too high on myself, as well as others. I am not called to full time public ministry. Despite what I wish it to be, I have a very tender heart. I don't have to do what everyone else tells me to do. The list goes on...etc.

I want to write more, but I need to go to sleep.
Good night.