Pause to Play

I found something really cool yesterday while cleaning out the garage. The iPod I thought I lost over a year ago before my trip to Canada. The last time I remember having it I thought that I left it on the coffee table just before going for a walk. Yesterday it was in the old backpack I used to wear, in the familiar little side pouch. I thought I lost all my music when my laptop died. It turns out that I didn't lose quite as much as I thought I did. It's almost like life was on pause for my little red iPod, but now it finally gets to be played. This makes me feel happy. What a cool find, huh?

Rest

"Come to me all ye who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest..."

After talking with a good friend from Perth, I remembered what my former predicatement was, and am very glad to be over it. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, and why I could only get 3 or 5 hours of sleep a night, and be more energetic than a team of energizer bunnys at the superbowl. These days I don't have illusions of grandeur or the need to talk quickly. My thoughts are slowly collecting and going back to a moderate tempo.

I don't take sleeping for granted and regularly take an afternoon nap. I just get drowsy from time to time and can't keep my eyes open. This is a much better problem to have, than the other extreme last year (being awake and constantly thinking). I've also been having some vivid dreams, which is a really good sign that I'm actually getting the rest that I need.

For now, I've put all my future plans and career goals to the side. It's probably better that I get well first before making important decisions. I've heard the phrase "Have you considered" followed by a career, or occupational suggestions several times from friends and family. There's nothing wrong with being helpful, but for a manic depressive, trust me, I've thought about almost everything. Thinking isn't the problem. Not thinking is what I'm after, or perhaps thinking about only one thing at a time. Simple does not always mean sinful after all. My life has been greatly reduced, and it's a good thing. Eventually, I will carry on functioning, but for now, I need to take things slow and easy.

Went for a walk

So today, I was thinking to myself about how God wants the deepest part of my heart. I'm listening to U2 while going for a walk today and that's when I started thinking. Despite the ugliness of life, God is still beautiful. He is the only fulfillment of this strong desire inside.

"I still haven't found what I'm looking for".

I'm not sure what this song is about, but it reminds me of Heaven. I think that's what we're all really looking for, and we get really disappointed when we don't find it in our vain pursuits for alternatives to God.

A friend recommended a good book, that is really challenging me called, "Praying God's Word" by Beth Moore. It's actually really good and helping me to relocate the heart of worship I once had. Praise isn't always without sacrifice. Sometimes you have to put your feelings and experiences aside and focus on the truth. This is so much easier said than done. I'm slowly starting to understand. My circumstances are probably not going to change in the time frame I would like them to, and the difficulties I face may not stop for the rest of my life. Am I still going to believe the truth and choose to walk in it? Tough truth, but necessary for maturity and growth.

The lessons of endurance through trials and tribulations of many kinds goes on. I don't like it at all, but things have to change eventually. I was talking with a guy at church a few days ago who was encouraging me that "God is faithful" concerning not having a job. He was without one for almost a year, before God provided what he needed. I've only been looking for a few months now, so it could be worse. In the meantime, I'm looking into volunteering somewhere local like a hospital or a school. This would at least give me something to do while looking for work.