Time Traveling

While going down the roads leading to Texas, I thought about all the places I've lived. Largo, Birmingham, Tallahassee, Dunedin, etc. I think about my childhood, teens, early twenties, college days, and now post graduation. In a sense, I felt like I was moving past all those things, and going back down to zero again.

"...I have been erased, like a canvas washed, by the strokes of grace..."
- "Obsession" by Starfield

I'm going back to my roots. I was born in Mckinney, Texas. It's only about 30 minutes away from where I live right now in Addison. The clinic where they delivered me as a baby is apparently gone. All that's there now is a field of grass. I can't wait to walk through it. Maybe I'll say a prayer, or whip out my guitar and just write a song off the top of my head. I could just quietly walk with my ipod and think to myself.

In the truck, we had some really good conversations. I told Dad about some of my adventures, why I liked a certain secular album, and the pressure that I've felt all my life to be a walking miracle. Although I am living proof that God works in mysterious ways, that doesn't mean that I can walk on water, or raise people from the dead. Only Jesus can do that stuff. I really didn't have much choice in being born to a set of parents who decided to have a vasectomy (advertizing still says it's 99.9% proven to prevent pregnancy).

Dad had some concerns about my future plans, and whether my outlook was still anti-materialism. I told him that my last trip to Canada really helped me clear up things. Unfortunately, seeing the poverty in a small house in Mexico City, and listening to a young man fresh from Africa describe the lack of food and medical supplies in his village, are things that will echo in my ears for the rest of my life. I can't ignore the crys of the poor. Still, following Jesus will always be more important than anything else, even helping the poor.

Later on, we had dinner next to our hotel, when finally arrived in Marshall, Tx. My dad didn't know it, but a full belly wasn't the only reason I couldn't finish a third plate at Golden Coral. All I could do was stare at all the people just endlessly eating. Should they feel bad for consuming to their heart's content? I don't know. It's difficult to explain. On the one hand, God has grace, but on the other hand, that leave's us with no excuse. I think there's a verse in the psalms that talks about not wanting wealth, or poverty, but just daily bread. Just enough to live on and be content with. Generally speaking, I don't think Americans realize how blessed they are materially, and how bankrupt they are spiritually. If things don't change the way they're headed now, then perhaps the tables will turn. I really hope it doesn't happen that way though!

I believe that the previous election showed that the American people care about society and the poor. There is a growing movement of young people from a Christian base who are devoted to this cause. However, this past election clearly states that Americans have realized that the governement can't eliminate poverty. Jesus said very clearly, "The poor you always have with you. But you won't always have me with you." Like I said earlier, it's about follwing Jesus, it's the most important thing.

Just like other people my age, all I want to do is work and live. We'll see if that's what God wants to do. Now, that I've written all that I wanted to say, I'm going to bed. Peace out.

Summary of Trip

Highlights:
The young guy who forgot to attach the hitch securely when I was running up the ramp in the black ford on the auto transport, jumping out of the way. One of us urinated in the sink, because he couldn't make it to the bathroom at the hotel. Dad actually refused to eat the frosting off a carrot cake at golden corral, saying, and I quote, "It's too sweet." After driving for almost 10 hours, I couldn't get to sleep, because I thought my extra pillow was a steering wheel. Let the record show, I was more than willing to make it to Dallas by Thursday evening.

Major Stops:
Tallahassee, Pensacola, Biloxi, Baton Rouge, Shreveport, Marshall, and finally Dallas/Addison

Books read/heard
"Same kind of Different as Me", "The Keys to the Kingdom", and "The Boy who went to Heaven."

Pre-Move

The sun gently wakes me up. Missing vertical blinds are to blame. With all the energy of a slug, I turn over. "What time is it? 6 a.m. Why am I awake?" I get up and go for a walk. It's the last time I'm going to do my "square" that I've done since I came home from Canada last year. I was listening to U2 and trying to cherish all the palm trees one last time.

I get back, and go to breakfast with Dad at the restaurant on the corner. We go pick up the U-haul afterwards. Steve J. Kowalski Movers were right on time, and we were glad to see them. Moving can be a really stressful thing, especially for me. Having all the clutterred boxes everywhere just seemed wrong. Praise God for Steve. He made all the chaos disappear in a matter of hours and we were left with half an empty house. I don't think Steve realizes how much of a blessing he is by being the same honest hardworking believer who unabashedly prays with other believers and shares the Gospel with people. If someone we're looking for discipleship, I would tell them to go hang out with Steve.

Evie and Joey were a huge help. Me and my father are not the giants we seem to be. My dad has low back pain, and the injuries I recieved from the car accident a few year ago limit me at times too. I helped where I could, with what I could. I always wish that I could do more, say more, and generally be more than what's humanly possible.

I got a chance to fellowship with Steve while he was working. It was great. I've worked with him before, and I think it was mutually encouraging for both of us. I forget that I got a chance to help out with "Walk on Water", and that production resulted in at least one guy getting saved. That's pretty cool. After all the boxes were put away, me and Steve were still talking. I forgot about the time, and the fact that Dad wanted to meet another friend Andy Malkie at the same restaurant we went to for breakfast.

It was great to talk to Andy about art, how he started drawing, and his thoughts about different topics. He had his baby girl with him, and she was definitely a cutie. She would get fussy when no one would pay attention to her, but was pretty good. Dad had an idea for a gospel track for church folks, and Andy had put together some sketches to go with his idea. They were really good. I hope to see it put together someday, even if it's just for friends and family.

We came back home. I was still weary from my six hours of sleep, since someone wouldn't stop snoring (even at a distance). I checked my cell for a text from an old friend from college. It was Brandon, and he wanted to meet up. I picked the place and time that was most convenient for both of us.

My friend Brandon, who was part of a men's group I led at SPC, is now a pastor at Apostolic Baptist Church. I found out he's not the senior pastor, but in a lineup. They're going to gradually pull him up to the pulpit. We talked about things going on in my life with family, and future plans. He gave me a really good quote from his senior pastor. "No one can control the hand of God." Amen! My opinion matters very little to what God wants to accomplish. I talked about how I felt like that my will and God's will are not always the same. In fact, most of the time, they're diametrically opposed. In fact, I've analyzed the last ten years, and even the past year, and usually what I want, does not usually happen. What God wants, however, always happens, and I'm usually better off for it. The challenge of the Christian walk is to present ourselves honestly saying what we want, but submitting to what God wants instead. I had to leave to make it back home for the last socail outing of the day...cracker barrel.

Evie, Joey, Dad, me, and our good friend, Mark Scotti all met together at Cracker Barrel, just like used to earlier this year. We had a lot of fun talking about all kinds of things. Food, thanksgiving plans, and getting on the road. My favorite part of the night was hanging out with Mark in the car. It was good fellowship for us both.

Custodian

While I was cleaning the tub today, part of our weekly ritual of keeping things clean for Josh, I was thinking about becoming a custodian. I actually enjoy cleaning things. I know it doesn't pay a whole lot, and is way below my education level, but what else can anyone do these days? I've come a long way from thinking of myself as some entertainment big shot, to a janitor. I think doing that C.N.A. training stuff was one of the best decisions I've made yet. Whether I realized it or not, it helped me learn how to be a servant again. I'm just a man, nothing more. Jesus is the Christ. That's what I'm learning.

Wendy's

Last thursday I had a great meeting with Bill Johnston at Wendy's. Bill is an awesome man of God, who is genuine, and has a great sense of humor. I'm not just saying that because he bought me lunch either. We really talked about this, that, and the other. I felt that God was moving me out of the youth/worship ministry phase into something different. I was looking for more of a career that would enable me to be a light and share the Gospel at the same time (i.e. assistant manager, office clerk, mechanic, etc.). He shared how that at one time he was so certain of being called to the youth ministry that he was willing to give up his job as an E.M.T. with St. Cloud, and go into the ministry full time. It never happened. Sometimes, you find that the ministry continues, but on a different page. Bill still meets with college students, and others to encourage them. I can't tell you how awesome this is. His other piece of wisdom for me was really good. "Sometimes we can beat ourselves up worse than the enemy ever could, and judge ourselves harsher than our Heavenly Father ever would." We also talked about jobs, what's it like to be an E.M.T., and other stuff. By the time the conversation is drawing to a close, I totally forget that he's really this important guy. He's the fire chief for the city of St. Cloud, but he also genuinely loves Jesus. Thursday was a tough day, since I read my ex-girlfriend's name in an email. I had mixed emotions about it. I was glad that she was still in fellowship, but also felt sad about everything that happened last year. How do you explain in an hour, what's happened in a year? Before he left, Bill's warm hand on my back, and the genuine look from his eyes told me that he really meant it when he said, "I love ya brother, and I'll be praying for ya." It was exactly what I needed to hear. I'm looking forward to the next meeting, and being able to share more of what's going on in my life.

Tonight

"I know something is broken,
And I'm trying to fix it,
trying to repair it,
anyway I can."

-Coldplay "X and Y"

It's a very melancholy song off an album of the same name. I really enjoy their music. For some reason, I was thinking of the words while walking around Publix tonight. I guess I just needed to take a break from the house for awhile.

I walked up and down the aisles. It was a beautiful grocery store. Think new building with very clean feel. A lady passes by me with her kids, and they start misbehaving. She decides to take everyone home, since this is a last ditch effort to complete a child's homework project, and it isn't the mom's fault. I thought to myself, "Thank God, I'm not in that situation right now."

Don't get me wrong. Someday, I would love to get married and raise a family of my own, but I don't think it's going to happen anytime soon. Perhaps that's the way it should be for now.

In my mind, the way I think it should go is the following; 1. Stable Career, 2. Transportation, and 3. Housing. The chance of me achieving, even just one of these objectives in order to ask someone on a date is not good right now. Did I have any of these things when I asked someone out last year? No. People just let me borrow things, or arrangements were made out of spontaneous generosity. That's great if you're single, but you can't live that way married.

This brings up the possibility that I am destined to be single. An older man in Perth, who I respected, suggested this. I think he's dead wrong, but that's just my opinion. Some things are not cut and dry. I don't go to God praying "Lord, what color should my clothes be that I wear today?" It's not that I think that God wouldn't mind hearing one of His children pray, but isn't it enough that I have clothes to wear? I should go to God praying, "God this is what I'd really like to wear. But, I'm willing to use the clothes You provide." Sorry, I guess that's kinda of a weird example, huh? Right now, I have one pair of good jeans, so this is actually a real prayer request.

I was talking with an older pastor at the nearby church, here in St. Cloud. He had two questions that everyone has to answer sometime in their life. "Who do I need to marry?" and "What do I do with my life?" He gave me a piece of wisdom that it's not a single choice, but the series of choices that determines our decisions. He said his wife knew that he was going to ask her to marry him, because of all the other experiences that had happened prior, so she could see it coming.

I help people. That's what I do. If I get married, I'll have to find a wife who likes to help people too. I thought I was so close to finding a good candidate for the wife position with my ex last year. I learned a lot though. My expectations are way too high on myself, as well as others. I am not called to full time public ministry. Despite what I wish it to be, I have a very tender heart. I don't have to do what everyone else tells me to do. The list goes on...etc.

I want to write more, but I need to go to sleep.
Good night.

New Song

"To the praise of His glorious name,
May my life be a sacrifice of praise,
Jesus, all glory to your name,
May my life be a sacrifice of praise"

It's the chorus to a new song I just wrote the other day. I really like it, but I don't know if it's for everybody else yet. It's good to be writing again though. I try to keep in mind that what I'm doing is just for fun.

The Crowd

I have a terrible habit of making everything spiritual. But recently, someone shared from Hebrews 11 & 12, and made the correlation between the prophets who suffered, and those who are among the cloud of witnesses. In my own mind, I came up with this modern day thing.

Imagine that Heaven looks down on everyday life, like a football game. When someone makes a bad call, the crowd is upset. When a player is injured, the crowd hushes. When someone makes a good play, the crowd cheers them on. But when someone scores a touchdown, the crowd goes wild!

It's encouraging to know that the saints who have gone on before us know of all the things we experience in this life. Unfair rulings, taking a hit for the team, marching down the field, scoring a touchdown, and sitting out for the season are just a handful of what most players deal with as professional athletes in the NFL.
I think we can relate to all those different emotions as believers. Nothing like scoring a touchdown, where you get down the field and score some points just like sharing your testimony. Two point conversions, are rare, but man are they awesome! Almost exactly like leading someone to Christ. Go for it! Sometimes you go with a field goal attempt, which is hit or miss. That's like inviting someone to a Bible study, or even an a-spiritual place like McDonalds. You may or may not get someone to come. The best strategy though, is to just throw the ball, get the first down, and march up the field to the endzone. That is consistently being the same person, who always is available, and inviting people to be a part of what God is doing. Granted no team is perfect, and a lot of times we drop, or fumble the ball. My brother Ben just told me there are usually 11 guys on either side of the field. That's just one guy short of 12, which is significant, because that's how many disciples Jesus chose to start His kingdom with. So what's my point? A church is like a team. Everybody has to play their position, work together, and stay disciplined. Coaches are very similar to pastors. Their job is to encourage, exhort, and sometimes step in and confront a referee, i.e. elder. Referees also hold coaches in check, so it's a two way system.

It's hard when your team doesn't show up to play, that's like finding a good church that's growing. You're guaranteed to feel the pain of being on the field at times, the enemy or even believers can really knock ya down. It can be frustrating when leadership doesn't have a handle on things, or make good decisions, similar to a pastor who does not cast clear vision, or lead others in it. The worst is when you're out for the season. You're sitting on the bench and watching all your teammates play. But it's just for awhile, and once everything gets healed up, you'll be back in the game soon enough. It is possible as a believer to burn out, get beat up, and be pulled out from ministry for awhile. You learn a lot from coaches, and other seasoned players.

My illustration falls apart when looking for a place for God though. So, it will all have to unravel. Still, I thought it was pretty cool to think of life this way. Professional football players are probably not all disciples of Jesus, but it's an interesting thought.

Wait

One of the ways me and Josh bond at times, is when we play video games. One of which is, "Call of Duty 2" for the xbox 360. The other day, we finally got to the American campaign, and the simulation of D-day, and storming the beaches of Normandy. Josh never wants to play, but he likes to watch me play it. At times, I forget to use strategy, and just run out on the field trying to take out as many Germans as I can. After a while, you learn to wait, fire, and stay alive. There was one section, where I didn't listen to the platoon leader on the game, and got decimated by a German panzer tank.

"Wait for reinforcements."

Once, I did, an huge American tank came and blew away the Panzer. I know it's just a cheesy video game, but I thought how applicable that is to my life. Sometimes, we need to take a step back and wait. I can get in such a hurry to get to the next thing, that I loose track of what's right in front of me.

Right side up

I have to say it's been great to have a classic Sunday morning service, followed by lunch, and then some fellowship with NFL on TV these past few weeks. To me, this just feels right side up. It's a schedule I used to follow without even thinking about it, when I lived in Tallahassee, and even when I moved back to Clearwater with my brother Tim. It probably goes back further even than that. Perhaps my Dad is the founder of this tradition, but it's seems like a long time since I've observed it. I consider it an American thing, at least in our family.

Sports

My nephew Josh loves sports. We constantly watch ESPN for highlights for instance. My perspective is way different because I'm analyzing the field for those who are not given a lot of attention. It doesn't matter whether it's pro or college ball you'll find someone on the sideline with a Gatorade bottle to squirt refreshment down their parched throats. This is being a servant. Others may get the attention, but your job is to keep people hydrated. Think of all the unglamarous jobs out there. Office managers, gas station attendants, janitors, etc. What would happen if all those people decided they didn't want to do their jobs anymore? They may not be C.E.O.'s, politicians, or lawyers but they have profound influence over society. Jesus taught us that we shouldn't lord over others, but lead by serving. Society seems to teach us that in order to be successful you must be ruthless and not give two cents about the guy underneath you. Think about the Dr. Suess book "Yertle the Turtle" for instance. Yertle kept getting higher and higher on the backs of other turtles, but mac, the turtle on the bottom, is taking all the weight on his shoulders. Finally, mac has enough, and the entire "business" collapses. It was just one person who had enough power to change things up. In my own life, I'm rethinking my career choices with the understanding that meaning is not derived from a position or title, but from the mindset that whatever I'm doing is all for Jesus anyway. I used to think that I had to make an accomplishment as large as Mt. Everest to make it in life. The way I think these days is drastically different. My life has meaning because of Christ and success can be just doing well in an average job with a modest income. Success is following Jesus and leading others to do the same.

Nursing

I'm considering going back to school in the spring, and applying towards a bachelor's in nursing. I seem to have a great compassion for people, and this profession would give me tools to actually put action to my zeal. Although, I may be up to the task, it's not going to be easy. So far, I've found more jobs for R.N.'s (registered nurses) than I have C.N.A.'s, but, I may have a couple of leads on some work where my brother lives. If not, there's always volunteering.

I don't think God always spells out everything for us. Some things we just have to choose by faith. I don't know if it's a Biblical principle to cast your bread on the waters, but that's what I'm doing.

So far, I like what I read about most hospitals, or clinics. There are doctors who come and give lectures on a variety of topics. I guess I'm a nerd for wanting to know more about new things, huh?

That message the pentecostal preacher gave has still stuck with me. The snake on the poles that caused the people to recover. We'll see what happens.

Life is short. Might as well waste it on Jesus.

Blue

Last Sunday, as I was staring out of a greyhound bus on the way to my brother's house in Orlando, I looked up into the sky. Every time I see the clouds and the clear blue backdrop, my heart longs for Jesus to come back soon. I took a drink of the bottled water I purchased back in Tampa. It occurred to me that someone else may also want Jesus to "break open the sky" and be without any water somewhere else in the world. I enjoyed the trip and listened to different tunes that I connect with emotionally. There are lines from different songs that stand out to me.

"Everything I know is wrong. Everything has fallen apart. And that's the hardest part."-Hardest Part by Coldplay

"Did I get lost while I was gone? I traveled space for much too long. But there's a planet I have found, and you are far away for now."-Space Travel by Yellowcard

"All we know for sure, is all that we are fighting for. Baby don't forget. You haven't lost it all yet."-Syndicate by The Fray

Maybe these lyrical phrases are strange to others, but they are special to me. "Hardest Part" is when I finally decided to hang up my music career. "Space Travel" is coming back to reality after dating someone and being really grateful that they're miles away. "Syndicate" re-affirms that there are some things worth struggling for, and also the fact that I will never lose Jesus, even if I lose everything else.

New normal

It's the phrase I read in a book called "Heaven is real". It's also a philosophy I've learned to adopt since recent events have changed my life forever. There are things that happen like a bombshell, and our lives are completely different. It's very difficult at first, but eventually we get used to the change that we're going through.

My nephew Josh has just been diagnosed last week with leukemia type A.L.L. and looks like he has a 90% chance of recovery. There's a website here for latest news and an opportunity to give donations. http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/joshfalleur

I am actually with my brother's family and will stay as long as I am needed. Jesus is real, and He is a living hope. We trust firmly in His provision, and His faithfulness. This doesn't take away from the emotional impact of things, so we're honest to God with our feelings though.

There's lots more to say, but it's going to have to wait for another time. I really wish more people read this blog. As far as I know, the only person reading is my brother Andy.

Take care,
Jesse

America, the Last Best Hope

I've been reading a book by William J. Bennett about the history of the United States called "America, the Last Best Hope". The title came from something that Abraham Lincoln said in a speech during the Civil War.

Before I left for Canada last year, I was disllusioned with my country. I have my reasons for this. Having returned from my last trip, I have seen many people here give up hope for this nation. In fact, while I was at Wal-Mart the other day, I saw a book by John Hagee called "Can America Survive? 10 prophetic signs that we are the terminal generation". Gee, what a happy outlook on things? There seems to be a double standard here.

Is there hope for Africa? Yes. Is there hope for the Middle East? Yes. Is there hope for Europe? Yes. Is there hope for Asia? Yes. Is there hope for Australia? Yes. Is there hope for Latin America? Yes. Is there hope for North America? Yes. How can I say that so confidently? Jesus is the hope for the nations. America is not hopeless, anymore than any other nation on the earth.

I'll never forget when a guy came by where I worked in Clearwater and talked about America saying, "We think we're great because we're different, but I think it's our differences that make us great!" We have so many people who believe and think differently, yet hold onto those words penned in stone.

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal,and are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness."

The American dream is very simple, it's freedom.

These days things are very hard economically. Standing in line at the grocery store, two guys I didn't know from Adam, were talking to me about the high price of cigarettes, and how the cost of food had risen by 30 percent here in Florida compared to the past.
Jobs are difficult to come by. I talked to a guy at a local church who said that he hadn't worked in over a year, before God provided him with a good job.

I'm choosing to make the best of where I am and try to be a responsible citizen, utilizing the freedoms that I have to make a change with the resources available to me.

God bless the U.S.A.!

Getting better

Things seem to be getting better. I anticipate recieving my "corrected" license as a Certified Nurses Assistant soon. I still can't believe a simple keystroke can change something from valid to invalid. I've done some research where I live, and there seems to be ample opportunity for work.

Somehow, I've been able to come to the conclusion this past week, that I should just make the best of where I am, and what I have. It's really taken a long time to reconcile both Canada and America in my mind. There is a world of difference between them both. However, I think it would be good for me to incorporate what I learned and observed. I'll never forget the hospitality, spontaneous generosity, and the close knit community of believers I found in Perth. Still, I live in New Port Richey, a place that is need of those things. I must use the gifts God has given me to influence the world that I live in and do the things that I can to the best of my ability.

Refutation

Have you ever heard anyone say,"Oh yeah. Well, who owns the corner the truth sits upon?"

That's easy. The answer is Jesus.

Well, let's break it down. We know the truth is a person, because your question asked "who", not "what". "Owns" implies management and complete control as in the sentence, "I own this restaurant". "Corner" means small space that one person can fit. "Sits" shows the truth is able to make decisions, so a second confirmation that we are looking for a person. So, let's take it all and add it together.

Who owns the corner the truth sits upon?

OR

What person has complete control over the space that the truth rests on?

The truth. The truth owns the corner that the truth sits upon, because the truth sits upon it, and no one else can compete with it. The truth has complete control over the space that the truth rests on, because the truth rests on it.

What person in all of history claimed to be incarnate Truth?

Jesus said, "I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life."

So, if somebody uses the nobody really knows the truth question, you can throw it back at them, and say it's Jesus.

Pure Hatred

Do you know how God's anger is described?

"Fierce", "strong", "full of fury", "jealous", and "burns against us" are only a few examples from the Old Testament of God being angry. Obviously, it's a good idea to get some context, and actually read why these adjectives are used. It's clear that God gets upset at sin, wickedness, and injustice. Some believe this is a reason to not believe in God. How can God love them and still allow there to be a place called hell, or be so angry?

It never occurred to me that God treats sin like an enemy. I mean the very denotation of "fierce" in regard to anger almost makes one think of a man with a sword against another man's throat. The fact is I think we've been sold a defective bill of goods, if we never see the side of God that gets angry especially at injustice.

Jesus described God as "Our Heavenly Father" in the model prayer. Usually we think of "heavenly" meaning sublime, which is true of God, but think of it this way. What father would stand by and do nothing while his daughter was being raped in front of him? Can you imagine someone standing by and yawning? No, a good father would get fired up and run to his little girl's rescue and beat the snot out of that guy. Do you think that your Heavenly Father, who is not evil, won't repay others for injustice?

Speaking of Jesus, He didn't exactly drive out the merchants in front of the temple with a broom saying "shoo shoo". No, he made a whip, and cracked it across some behinds telling them to leave and then yelled at them "It is written! "My house shall be a house for prayer! But you've turned it into a den of thieves!" The disciples remembered what was written about Him. "Zeal consumes me for your house."

So how does this relate to hell, judgment, and God's anger? Suppose your Dad is a judge. You did something illegal, and are before him in court. You've driven over the speed limit into oncoming traffic. Guitly! You are fined by the judge for $4000. You don't have enough money. Imagine your Dad coming down from the bench, and paying your fines. That's the Gospel in a nutshell. Your sins are crimes against God's moral code (the ten commandments). If you break the law, you must pay for your crimes. Your sins cost more than you are able to pay. Only God can pay them for you. That's what Jesus did on the cross some 2000 years ago. God hates sin. He gets angry at sin. He loves us, but He can't stand the sins we've committed. Jesus has taken the punishment that should've been ours. All of God's hot blazing pure hatred was poured all over Jesus.

It's the purity of God that will really be the thing that blows us all away. That's why Paul describes the day of judment as great and terrible. Men will hide under rocks rather than be exposed by the light of the King of kings. It will be a great day for those who've been expecting Him, and a terrible one for those who have pushed Him away. The Bible says that those who are afraid are the ones expecting judgment. This makes sense if you know that you're a wanted criminal, and the judge you're going to see isn't crooked, and can't be bribed. You're looking at prison for certain, unless there is a way out. Jesus is that way out. If hell makes you afraid, you should be. I'm not confusing this with death. Unless Jesus decides to come back, we will all face death. The question is whether you will face it with or without hope? Hell was established for the devil and his angels. It was never intended for humanity. Jesus preached more on hell than any other topic. Why? God is compassionate. As Jesus said, "I am not willing that any should perish, but that all men should have everlasting life."

Someone once asked me, "If God is loving, then why is He sending me to hell?" God is loving, but He is also just. He can't break His own laws. We have broken His laws, therfore there must be a consequence. So, the reality is, we are sending ourselves to hell, if we decide to push away the offerring of Jesus blood for our atonement. Our judgment, is on our head at that point.

Beards

I have decided to try and grow a beard. I've been encouraged by a website called allaboutbeards.com. They suggested to wait minimum 4 weeks, and maximum 6 weeks before deciding to keep or cut the beard. The website is worth checking out for different ideas on how to style a beard. So far, I'm on week two, and it's not quite as itchy as it used to be. The main issue for me, was whether it would be acceptable in the workplace or not. If it comes down to having a job or beard, the beard will definitely go first.

6' 4" small

"Do not despise small begginings!"
Zech 4:10

I still remember when I was "gung-ho" about leading Bible studies and such on my college campus. I was complaining about the lack of other believers and the fanning out of people coming to my small group. That's when three of my family members quoted the verse above. Their voices were in perfect stereophonic unison, and echoed across the walls. It was one of those things. "Okay, God. I got the message."

These days, the same counsel stands. I'm starting out small. Trying out a part time job as a C.N.A. (God willing) once I've passed the test next week. So far, the plan is just to go back to school to become a teacher. It may change, but that's what I'm thinking.

I think God is helping me think on a smaller scale. How did He reveal the plan of salvation? A young man named Jesus, the Son of the living God, cleverly disguised as a teacher. What did this young teacher use to talk about the revolutionary kingdom of God? I could be wrong, but I think it was mainly stories. Who did Jesus charge with taking this important message to the world? A bunch of idiots just like you and me who didn't get what He was talking about, even when He repeated himself three times. Also, correct me if I'm wrong, we have only 4 of the original 12 (minus 1, Judas Iscariot) disicples account of Jesus (Gospels). What happened to the other 7? They were out sharing the Gospel, not as someone else, but as themselves. Jesus never asked someone to change their personality in order to follow Him. Peter was outspoken. John was passionate. Luke was meticulous and methodical. Matthew was a tax collector, similar to a used car salesman. Didn't Jesus realize that He could have had a serious affect on the world by using the Roman authorities? They had power, money, and influence over society. They could actually get things written and moving. What about the Greeks? Egyptians? I mean, come on Jesus, you're not thinking big enough. No, see that's what we would've done.

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
And My ways are not your ways,
For as high as the heavens are to the earth,
So are My thoughts to your thoughts,
And My ways to your ways."
Isaiah 55:8-9

God doesn't think the way we do. He does things differently. Think of the ways Jesus stood up for people, when He was expected to do something else (children, Samaritan woman, woman caught in adultery, lepers, Canaanite woman, man with disabled hand,etc.). He communicated God's thoughts of healing, forgiveness, anger, and, at times, a sense of humor. I think God knew how we would need something simple, not large. "Follow me" is a simple statement, and essentially gives us all the direction we need in life. No matter what happens, we keep following Jesus. God knows what it is to be human, and knew that we would have so many questions, and fears. That's why He kept things simple. "I am the good shepherd. My sheep hear My voice and they follow me. They will not listen to the voice of a stranger." There's that "follow me" stuff again. Death and pain are two things that most of us humans would rather avoid at all costs, and yet, Jesus faces a death that gave a new meaning for the word pain, "excruciating", when He died on the cross. The bravest man who ever lived, and the only one to come back to life again. This is where the verse "death where is thy sting? death is swallowed up in victory" comes in. Jesus is the love, truth, and courage we need. "All power belongs to our God" and "He has given Him the name that is above every name, that every knee would bow, and every tongue would confess Jesus Christ is Lord." God is powerful. As Charles Price says in "Christ for Real", He is not only able to forgive sin, "but He is also able to deliver from the power of sin." We can always come to God with everything, no matter how messy it is. Our Heavenly Father can untangle the worst knots our souls can get tied up in. Sin makes everything complicated. Jesus makes everything simple again. We just follow Jesus.

"Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus,
Though He was God, He did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made Himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness."
Phil 2:5-7

God became human and served other humans. A very simple idea. Lose your own pride, and serve others.

"What is highly esteemed among men is detestable in the sight of God."

Could it be that our perception is off? That simply following Jesus and serving others is really all that's necessary? I don't doubt that God can use big things like music albums, movies, conferences, and inspiring speeches by famous people, but I think sometimes we idolize these things, and esteem them too much. What if a revival occured in our families, neighborhoods, and local cities? What if people no longer saw "Ned Flanders" as the example of a Christian, but someone who is a plain ordinary person who follows Jesus? More and more, people are looking for the real Christians who claim to care about the world.

"What can men do against such reckless hate?" says King Theoden.
"Ride out and meet it." says Aragorn in response.
-Lord of the Rings, The Two Towers

Could it be possible that things are much simpler than what we think? As a young man, full of passion, I want to change the world. As a C.N.A., I'll get my chance, but not quite the way I had envisioned. More than likely I'll be helping clean up elderly people who can't clean up after themselves. It may not affect the global world, but it will impact the local world here in Florida. It's hard work, and not glamarous. It's easy to see the Christians who seem like stars on a stage and want that, but we forget that there are other positions offstage that are essential for the production to go on.

"Let everyone walk as they were called, and so I ordain in all the churches,"
-Apostle Paul

Not everyone is called to the same thing. We all have the same Master, but different positions. We just need to do what we were supposed to do and not worry about what everyone else is doing, and why we can't be doing that instead.

Pointilism

I used to think that life is this big grand thing. I've come to the realization that in reality, it's much much smaller. I am a blot of paint, merely a fraction of a painting, and not the entire painting itself. The Artist, is the only one with the ability to comprehend how great the painting really is, and the intended message behind it. I am very small, and can not possibly understand "things that are too lofty for me". I am neither unimportant, nor am I the center of the universe. I am number 5249, and I live in quadrant three, address -x = 15.9, -y = 23.4. I am a dot, and I'm okay with that.

Guitar

I just recently started playing guitar again. I blew the dust off the case, and tried to strum a few chords. The callouses in my fingers are gone, but I still know how to play. I tried to remember the songs that I wrote, and was searching for one in particular. I decided to rewrite it as Jesus speaking to us. It's very simple. Here are the words.

"Follow Me,
Deny your fear, take up your cross,
And follow Me"

A book I just read recently, inspired me to come back, and pick up my old passion again. I do so now with the knowledge that I can face anything with Jesus even pain, and my worst fear. I won't always feel this way, but it's good to be reminded of truth.

Book Review

Like the revving of an engine, on a racetrack, I started the first chapter of Paul Coughlin's "No More Christian Nice Guy", and flew through four chapters. Man, that was a rush. Not everyone may agree about what this guy says, but I loved every single word. It has the same thinking of "Wild at Heart", but on a completely different level. I saw an advertisement in an old magazine called "Discipleship Journal" that some friends gave to us. I decided to see if the local library had a copy, and they did. Bingo.

What can I say about this book? It's good. There are so many good quotes, and insights about Jesus as a human being and also a man. The classic cultural image of Jesus as the "Supreme Nice Guy", was completely torn to shreds. In my minds eye, Paul illustrates a battle between the authentic Jesus who was masculine and assertive, and an effeminate weak Jesus who is always nice and never real. This is not to say that Paul suggests that Jesus wasn't gentle but "being tender goes right along with being tough". As I read this book, other thoughts started to form in my mind, for instance, Jesus had balls...literally. Jesus with facial hair, muscles, and a deeper voice starts to emerge. It's awesome.

There's one chapter in particular where Paul shares his childhood days, and I don't think I've ever read something so transparent. I cried when I read some of what he's walked through, and I think most men can connect with him at some point, whether their stories are exactly the same or not. He does a nice job of balancing things out and explaining the difference between being passive, aggressive, and assertive. Also, he is recommending that men be themselves, "not macho idiots."

I could go on and on about it, but I was greatly encouraged after I read this book. I heartily recommend it to men especially, but also to women, who can understand how their role is crucial in this world too. Grab a copy, and hold on tight.

Healthcare

It's really hard to pin point all that I'm feeling and thinking these days. I would've never thought that I would be looking for a job in the health care industry. If I succeed at the test I will be taking in the near future, I will become a C.N.A. (certified nurses assistant). This may sound important, but it's a very small part of all that goes on in a hospital, retirement home, psych ward, etc. I would only be handling things like blood pressure, bedpans, and such. I was explaining some of what's involved with asking to clean an elderly persons private area, and a friend of mine explained, "Man, that's got to take some guts." I said this then, and I hope I'll continue to say it in the future, "The person I'm helping is unable to help themselves. I guess I just have a lot of compassion for people." I used to think that it was wise to place all of the passion that I have into my friends, family, and also a future wife. I've learned that distribution of that love to more people is wiser, and also healthier. This job would allow me to do just that. Passion is neither my enemy, nor my best friend. Passion is the release of strength and power to do either great good, or great evil.

God help me to love others passionately. To stand my ground on some occasions, and to gently lead on other occasions. Give me the courage to console the weak, and the dying.

Even once I've passed my certification, there's re-training on location, and other uncertainties. I'm taking a step of faith into uncharted territory, and I don't really know what will happen. God does, and I'm confident He's behind me all the way, no matter what.

Aaron Gillespie

He was the drummer for a band called Underoath and is now the frontman for his own band called The Almost. However, I went to the same Christian school with him back in the day when he was into road hockey and just started playing the drums. In any case, Aaron did a great job of sharing his testimony on YouTube it's called Aaron Gillespie's story. He has no problem being real and showing that Christians are actually humans with issues just like everybody else. I saw Aaron play a long time ago and he broke a drumstick like a twig. I've never seen someone pound those drums harder. I forgot that I had an album by Underoath on my iPod. I like the song "Reinventing your exit" and the last song "Some will seek forgiveness". The other songs are good, but those stand out to me. For those who don't know, Underoath is hardcore, so rock guitar and screaming vocals are the norm. Just giving people a heads up.

A dot

That's what I am. Just a very small speck. A tiny thread of canvas that's impossible to see on it's own. In fact, if Life's painting were only made of me, it would be very poor indeed, because there would hardly be anything to see. Imagine how boring the night sky would be if it only had one star in it. We live in a universe filled with more stars and colors than anyone can comprehend. There's so much more to life than just me. I'm just a dot and that's okay with me.

Pause to Play

I found something really cool yesterday while cleaning out the garage. The iPod I thought I lost over a year ago before my trip to Canada. The last time I remember having it I thought that I left it on the coffee table just before going for a walk. Yesterday it was in the old backpack I used to wear, in the familiar little side pouch. I thought I lost all my music when my laptop died. It turns out that I didn't lose quite as much as I thought I did. It's almost like life was on pause for my little red iPod, but now it finally gets to be played. This makes me feel happy. What a cool find, huh?

Rest

"Come to me all ye who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest..."

After talking with a good friend from Perth, I remembered what my former predicatement was, and am very glad to be over it. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, and why I could only get 3 or 5 hours of sleep a night, and be more energetic than a team of energizer bunnys at the superbowl. These days I don't have illusions of grandeur or the need to talk quickly. My thoughts are slowly collecting and going back to a moderate tempo.

I don't take sleeping for granted and regularly take an afternoon nap. I just get drowsy from time to time and can't keep my eyes open. This is a much better problem to have, than the other extreme last year (being awake and constantly thinking). I've also been having some vivid dreams, which is a really good sign that I'm actually getting the rest that I need.

For now, I've put all my future plans and career goals to the side. It's probably better that I get well first before making important decisions. I've heard the phrase "Have you considered" followed by a career, or occupational suggestions several times from friends and family. There's nothing wrong with being helpful, but for a manic depressive, trust me, I've thought about almost everything. Thinking isn't the problem. Not thinking is what I'm after, or perhaps thinking about only one thing at a time. Simple does not always mean sinful after all. My life has been greatly reduced, and it's a good thing. Eventually, I will carry on functioning, but for now, I need to take things slow and easy.

Went for a walk

So today, I was thinking to myself about how God wants the deepest part of my heart. I'm listening to U2 while going for a walk today and that's when I started thinking. Despite the ugliness of life, God is still beautiful. He is the only fulfillment of this strong desire inside.

"I still haven't found what I'm looking for".

I'm not sure what this song is about, but it reminds me of Heaven. I think that's what we're all really looking for, and we get really disappointed when we don't find it in our vain pursuits for alternatives to God.

A friend recommended a good book, that is really challenging me called, "Praying God's Word" by Beth Moore. It's actually really good and helping me to relocate the heart of worship I once had. Praise isn't always without sacrifice. Sometimes you have to put your feelings and experiences aside and focus on the truth. This is so much easier said than done. I'm slowly starting to understand. My circumstances are probably not going to change in the time frame I would like them to, and the difficulties I face may not stop for the rest of my life. Am I still going to believe the truth and choose to walk in it? Tough truth, but necessary for maturity and growth.

The lessons of endurance through trials and tribulations of many kinds goes on. I don't like it at all, but things have to change eventually. I was talking with a guy at church a few days ago who was encouraging me that "God is faithful" concerning not having a job. He was without one for almost a year, before God provided what he needed. I've only been looking for a few months now, so it could be worse. In the meantime, I'm looking into volunteering somewhere local like a hospital or a school. This would at least give me something to do while looking for work.

Lately

It was great to see Andy, and Gen with Luc, Olivia, and Isabelle these past two weekends. It's not often we get to see them, and I know the grandparents especially enjoyed seeing the kids. We'll have to take them back to the "Wood" park again. The spinning tire swing was a real hit with Isabelle and Olivia.

We really missed having everyone come tuesday morning. It was so quiet. I think I saw a tumbleweed go across the living room, or was that a toy car? :)

I'm currently looking into the teaching program "Elementary Ed" at college. Also, I'm on the job hunt again, pulling papers and reading postings from the career center. It's not easy, but nothing worthwhile ever is.

Get rid of it

That's what I've been doing lately. Anything that detours my mind from Jesus has got to go. Not easy, but a good process none the less. I'm choosing to look at things from the perspective that if God has not allowed something in my life, it's probably a good thing.

"No good thing will He withold from them that walk uprightly."

The one good thing I have in my life is my relationship to Jesus Christ. That's a good thing, and it has not been held back from me.

My goals are much smaller these days, and I'm learning to be grateful for the situation God has allowed me to be in. I needed to be humbled and wash some dishes.

Dad's blog

http://poopah-dadsstories.blogspot.com/

As of now, there is a blog for Dad, a.k.a. Pops, Poohpah, and my fat Daddy.

Stories are coming soon, they just need some editing from the author.

Do Over

I think I just recently had a breakthrough. Maybe it's because I'm on new med's and things aren't quite as extreme as they used to be? It reminds me of a line from a movie where one guy says to another

"Your life is not over. Your life is a do over."

I like that connotation. Just like when you're a kid and something happens, and you just start all over again. For me, that was usually the basketball getting wedged into the rim around the hoop, and someone having to grab a broom to knock it down.

After reading a couple of books at the library, I got some better ideas for my script, and have completely scrapped the other one. I just needed to. I may take some of the ideas from the old one, but I just think it would be more fun to do a fresh approach. I just started working on the rewrite today, and I'm really enjoying myself. I have other things that I'm going to do today like finding a job, but it's nice to have a diversion.

Also, tollbooths are a big part of the story I'm writing, and I just realized we have tons of them here in FL. Cool, huh?

I gotta slow down though. This might just be a script for me to write, and nothing else. But it would be great to see someone else tell the story on the big screen. I'll just do the best I can and leave the rest in God's hands.

Selfish

That's about the look of it. I'm selfish just like most of the rest of humanity. I've found the only cure for this disease is serving others and focusing on Jesus. Iv'e been so caught up lately with looking for a job, or into education that promises a solid job that I forgot about this verse.


"Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you."
-Jesus

I need to insert a little "Seek the kingdom" along with looking for a job. For now, I serve my family by washing dishes occassionally, vaccumming floors, and even cleaning the bathroom at times. I've also made dinner to try to help out around the house. This seems to help keep things rolling smoothly with people coming and going. Hopefully, one day soon, I'll be one of those people trying to make it to work.

I've applied to several places, and most of them have the following reponses, "No, not hiring now," and "We'll keep your application on file." I'm starting to dread the follow up phone calls, because I'm assuming that I"ll get the same answer. Oh, well. If I keep pounding the pavement, I'm sure to make a dent somewhere.

I've still got a few places I haven't applied to yet, and there's always stuff to do that doesn't involve money. If I don't find anything soon, I may end up volunteering at Volunteer Way, which is a local place for the homeless to recieve food. I loved visiting people at the Salvation Army in Perth, and really miss a lot of folks there. If I could get paid to do something like that, that would be awesome. However, there aren't any jobs with descriptions "Will minister to others by being a solid example, that meets regularly for lunch, or other functions."

In any case, I really do feel more like my normal self that I've been for awhile. I'm on some new medication that seems to be helping me to stay awake during the day and I'm doing the best I can to take care of business.

"And hope does not disappoint, because the love of the Holy Spirit has been poured into us..." Romans 5:5

I need to stay focused on the main thing. The main thing is Jesus. He knows I want a job to pay off student loans, and take care of business. I just need to be patient and consistent. It's good to remember that patience and enduarance are pretty much the same word in the New Testament.

"Do not grow weary in well doing, for we shall reap a harvest if we faint not."
-Apostle

That's so much easier to quote, and type, than actually practice. Oh, well. That's enough rambling for one night.