Kryptonite

Well, it seems that all my excess energy has been depleted. This is actually a good thing, since it's been a while when I can say that I've been getting a good night's sleep. The side effects of the medication I'm on, makes me feel really drowsy during the day, so I may cut back a little bit.

It seems that I've finally found my kryptonite. A few small pills, and I'm off to dream land. Now, I'm no fan of drugs, but they're what the Dr. has prescribed and seem to be working, almost a little too good.

I really feel more like myself these days, than I have in a long time. I feel content with where God has put me, and am looking forward to just working a steady job and not going on crazy adventures.

I made a trek a few weeks ago, while on a manic high, to visit a former girlfriend, and to ask her to marry me someday. She declined, but was very sweet about it, and also very concerned for my safety. I have since found that several people were worried about me. I apologize for giving anyone reason to worry. All I can say, is that I wasn't myself. In some ways, I feel like Dr. Jekyll cleaning up for all the mistakes that Mr. Hyde put together.

I've come to the conclusion that I am bipolar, and or, manic depressive. This means that I go through the same emotions others do, but on a much wider scale without medication. Normally, I would beat myself up for having a mental illness, but I really couldn't do anything about it at the time, and if I hadn't made my insane journey from Tampa to Toronto, I would never know that I need help, or that the girl I went out with this summer, has nothing but frienship for me.

"Better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all."
-William Shakespeare

How true those words are. God knows that I wanted desperately to love someone, as more than a friend. But really the only person who can fill my deepest void for love is Jesus, and I am closer with Him than I've ever been before. However, I've learned to let others know what I'm thinking and feeling, in regard to hearing from the Lord. I don't think God would've wanted me to lie, or withhold the truth from others. I've already apologized to the parties that I lied to, but it's going to take a lot of work on my part to rebuild trust with them.

In any case, "I press on towards the mark...". Eventually, I will find a job, and start paying off my student loans, and hope to be moving closer to my dream of being a young filmmaker at Full Sail. The two big obstacles to that are qualifying for a loan of $72,000 and getting my health to a place where I can do some lifting. Film is the most collaborative of the arts, and that is when I'm in my element. When I can manage a few projects, and come up with new ideas, and see them come to life. It's such a thrill for me. I mean, even thinking that it might be possible to take a script I've written, and see it on the silver screen, just fills me with joy. However, I'm sure that I'm not the first young person to dream so big, and have to settle for the smaller picture.

I'm in contact with an admission's rep. for Full Sail, and will be talking to her soon. I'm also going to look into some work in Orlando, as well as places nearby where I live in Tampa. I've been steadily filling out job applications, and looking for employment wherever I can find it. I know that God will provide a job for me, at the right time. I just have to be patient.

In other news, my mac laptop died this past Thursday. I think the heating fan broke, and it's possible that the C.P.U. is done. I sent it away at an apple store, yesterday, but they might not be able to salvage the hard drive with all my writing, pictures, and video. So the sooner, I get signed up with Full Sail, the sooner I'll have a laptop. My mom is letting me borrow her spare laptop in the meantime, but it's just not the same. Oh, well. Life is definitely not about me, and is going to continue on that theme.

My brother Joey really challenged me with something the other day. "Life is not like a movie." I'm sorry, but for me, that was deep, because I love movies. They really are a departure from real life, that's why people like them. They're stories that tug at our hearts, and win over our minds. So many people quote memorable lines from movies these days. But my brother is absolutely correct, similar to how Agent Smith describes a failed prototype of the Matrix to Morpheus, "It was too perfect, no one would believe it." In a film, everything can be set up too good. For instance, I watched the end of Transformers 2 with some friends recently, and the main actress's makeup never changed. I thought it was funny because things are being blown up, and it's a war zone of terrifying robots, and her make up stays exactly the same. That's not realistic, is it?

No, I've come to the conclusion that movies are useful, if they tell a good story, and communicate it broadly. Who doesn't love a great story? People tell each other stories all the time. Even Jesus would tell stories, but they weren't necessarily
"Christian", but they were about the kingdom of God. That's what I'm hoping to do someday. My films, may or may not be, "Christian", but they will try to illustrate the kingdom of God.

Well, this is probably the longest entry I've typed yet, but it ends here. Feel free to tell me what you really think at anytime. I will try to write what's going on with me more often. As always, take care.